Have you ever left a fitness class? 
Like just straight up walked out?
Rude. Really effing rude, right?

....I did on Thursday. 

... and then I saw that teacher at the gym this morning & - just like when I was dodging out of her class- I tried like crazy to avoid eye contact. 

So, on Thursday, I got to skip out of work a little early. I decided to check the schedule at my gym to see if there were any new classes that sounded fun & was just damn thrilled at the description of their "Body Jam". Advertising a booty-shaking good time & the promise to "get high on the feeling of dance" (no, not even making that up. Says that on the class description).

I did learn something new: if you're not sure how you're going to feel about a class- don't stand freakin' front & center. Get to the corner. Close to the door. Maybe do the warm up in the doorway. Couldn't hurt. 

I could tell pretty early on that this class wasn't for me. The music just wasn't my thing. It felt like .... like "Night at the Roxbury" music 

As I've mentioned (many times) before, if the music isn't moving me it's really hard for me to get into a cardio class. 

As much as I appreciate a good playlist in a yoga or boot camp class- it's not quite as necessary since you have something to focus on besides finding a groove.

But in a dance class, that's kind of the only thing you have to get you into it, ya know? 
And now, I'm not saying anything bad about the class or the instructor. There were a lot of ladies that were really fucking into it. I mean, like really. The instructor- Boni, I believe her name is- obviously had a following. There were plenty of women in this class of different ages & fitness levels that knew every step & really felt the groove of heavy bass 90's jams. I just wasn't on the bandwagon. 

So, after roughly 20 minutes of trying to get into it- they started to incorporate some mambos. 
I JUST CAN'T MAMBO, OKAY?! 
I just... I just can't do it. 
Sometimes if I'm just really into it I can find that groove. 
& sometimes if I really want to be into it I'll just do a step ball change move (and look really white, y'all), but this is not a move that comes naturally to me. So, I don't know why- but that was it. 

The thought that I'd be enjoying myself so much more on the elliptical wrapped up in the world that is my own finely crafted playlist crept into my head. Visions of Maclemore & Girl Talk & Ke$ha danced through my head. 
Yeah- whatever. I said Ke$ha (I hate the damn dollar sign. Why does she WANT to make me be so embarrassed to like working out to her?) I woulda been all like "FUCK YEA!" if Ke$ha ($ugh$) had come on. But... it didn't. & I needed to get home & walk the dog at the end of this hour & just decided, fuck it (eloquent, huh?)

Ya know, this is my time. I need to feel like I got a good workout. It doesn't mean this is a bad class, but I would just be getting more out of it on a solo adventure to the cardio jungle (what I am now calling that area of the gym that has all the ellipticals & treadmills). 

So, I just kind of took a few steps to the back of the class by my keys & water bottle. Took a few sips of my water. 
I looked up & yeah, she was looking right at me. 

how do I do this? How do I do this? Why... why did I get in the middle of the goddamn dance floor? Damnit, Hearne. Just. Just go. Head down. Eyes to the floor. Just go. 


And that's what I did. 

And then this morning. This morning I was really feeling the circuits I had created. And it was one of those days where I was so bummed I had to go get ready for work because I totally could have stayed at the gym for way longer than the hour I got. 
And there she was. Boni. & I know she saw- & recognized me. 
So, I just looked at my shoes. Feeling like a total bitchface. 

The thing is- the strength training exercises her &  her friend were doing looked really challenging & cool & part of me wanted to go be like "hey! Sorry, I hated your body jam class, but can I do this stuff with you? Also, 'body jam'. What a cheesy ass name, amirite?"


But, of course I didn't. So, what do you think? Should I have stuck with the class out of courtesy or is my time my time? Am I officially on someone else's time once that horrible music starts playing? 

I'm a nice person. I swear(ish. I swear-ish)! 

Upon an extensive search of the internet (okay, like 5 minutes of searching) it has come to my attention that there is a lack of videos or candid pictures of white girls trying to do Zumba. 
Zumba is a high-intensity cardio exercise. It's pretty much just an aerobics dance class, but with a Latino feel. 
And it is the funnest! 
Oh, my god. It's just ridiculous amounts of fun. Like, I'm pretty sure I smile the whole time- especially if the teacher is really getting into it to. But though I'm having a blast- there are certain things that these painfully Caucasian hips just cannot do. 

So, yesterday morning I stopped by a Zumba studio on the East Side- Corazon Latino Dance Studio. And I feel that it would be safe to say that this place is authentically Latino- which is great! But certainly added some unnecessary awkwardness to my experience. 

I had purchased an online deal through Living Social. $19 for 6 classes  I know! Very excited. The poor woman working the desk had no fucking clue what the print out I was handing her was. 

Me: Hi! I'm here for the 9am class. 
Lady: Ok, you have card?
Me: Oh, no I bought the Living Social deal 
hands print out
blank stare from across the desk
Lady: You buy 6 class?
Me: Oh, I've already bought 6 class-classes. I've already paid online.
Lady: You buy card?
Me: I... I what?
Lady: You have the card?
Me: I... paid with a debit card... online?
Lady: que?
Me: What?


So, after some time of this exchange I make it into the class just as it's starting. This studio offers several different styles of class, but I had decided just to attend the typical Zumba with the teacher Marispy . Marispy is gorgeous & I hated her immediately for it (oh, here's a picture of her from the website. I feel you're with me on this one now). The initial hate started to ware off once we got moving. 
And this is where we make our way back into needing some hidden camera style video of white girls trying to do some of the shit that Marispy was trying to get me to do. The best I can find is this: 

But I feel like maybe that doesn't even completely embody the weirdness of it. Now, I've been to other Zumba classes & there's always some sort of move that I can't do, so I usually find the other pigmently challenged person in the room & see what they're doing, or -if worst just comes to the very worst- jog in place for a little bit. 
Goddamnit, Marispy. She had me damn near jogging in place for the whole 60 minutes. Now, I am always one for a challenge when it comes to exercising, so I was like "yeah, fuck it. I'll give it a real go"... until I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. 
I don't know if it was a mixture of it being the first class of the morning, I wasn't getting into the music she was playing (some of it was pretty mellow), and the sheer frustration of my genetic rhythm limitations, but I was feeling done! D.O.N.E by about 40 minutes in. 

I really don't feel that's fair on the folks at Corazon. Corazon is not too far from my neighborhood, is way afordable (even without the the Living Social deal, it's only $8 a class, which is a good deal) & offers a good schedule for people that have the ocassional week day off or that go to work late, get off early or students that live or don't mind commuting to the east side (side note: I would not recommend trying to get to their 6 pm class on a week day unless you already in that part of town. Traffic is balls in that area from about 4:30-6:30). Their staff is friendly & it's not the front desk lady's fault that she had no idea what was going on. 
So, while I do look forward to using up the rest of my classes, I'm not sure if I can handle all this awkwardness in my life as a long time patron.